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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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♪ ♪

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(cheers, applause)

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Announcer:
Please welcome Pete Holmes!

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(cheers, applause)

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♪ You have to do it running ♪

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♪ But you do everything
that they ask you to ♪

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♪ 'Cause you don't mind... ♪

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Oh, my God!

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Thank you so much! Hello!

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Hi! Hello, hello, hello, hello,
hello, hello, hello, hello!

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Chicago!

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(applause)

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Thank you so much.

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Have a seat.

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Thank you so much.

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Oh, my Lord.

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The National playing,
and that happened?

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(cheering)

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That was the best moment
of my life.

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We don't even
have to do the show.

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This is just a bonus now.

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That felt so good.
We should take turns.

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Each of you should
come up one at a time

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just to feel that.

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Diseases that are forming
will go away.

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That was a magical experience.

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Sincerely, thank you, Chicago.

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This is amazing.

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(cheers)
Feeling good!

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Good to be here.

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This theater is way too nice
for the jokes I'm about to tell.

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Look at this ornate,
gold-colored--

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Huh, diarrhea,
you ever get it?
(laughs)

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(laughter)

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Oh, good, you're good.

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I really want this to go well.

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This is all
I have to do today.

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So, we can't have
this go badly.

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I can't go back
to my sad hotel,

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head hitting the pillow
like, "What was that?"

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"That was my special?"

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No, you're good.
You're good.

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Sometimes I get scared.

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(laughter)

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(laughter)

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Is that a relatable premise?

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(laughter)

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Sometimes I'm frightened.

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Like recently,
I was at a bar

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and I ordered
over somebody.

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I didn't mean to,
but there was a smaller man

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in front of me.

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You know, like five-one.

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And I ordered over him,
like a rainbow order.

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I didn't mean to.

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I promise, I wasn't trying
to be a badass.

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I was like,
"White wine, please!"

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(laughter)

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"Whatever's fresh!

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"Pinot? Pinot?

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Yeah, gris, not noir!"

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And it must have happened
to that guy earlier that night

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'cause he went from zero
to furious just like that.

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He spun on his tiny heels.

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He was just like,
"You motherfucker!

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(mutters) Been standing
here for days!"

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And I got afraid.

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And when you get afraid,

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the human body
has no good ideas.

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It's all evolution.
It's all fight or flight.

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So, the first thing normally
when you're afraid

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is it makes
your shoulders go up.

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That's its brilliant idea.

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Have you ever noticed
when you're afraid,

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you're like... (screams)

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That's your brain going,

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"Protect the neck!"

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"Don't let it get the neck!

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We keep everything
in the neck."

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So your shoulders go up,

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and then oftentimes
you'll cross your arms too

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because these are your loins.

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Well, no, these aren't--

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Loincloth is down...

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These aren't your loins.
This is your stomach.

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These are your--

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Just learning together
in a safe space.

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This is your stomach.

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But you have to protect
your stomach too

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'cause if a lion... (whooshes)
swipes you on your stomach,

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that's a kill stroke.

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You'll watch
your intestine just unravel
like eight-millimeter film.

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Just like (rolls tongue)...
Like, "Ah, I'm about to pass."

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So, you have to cross your arms
and the shoulders go up.

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This is a scared pose,
you know?

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Like, stand-up is scary.

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That's why you see
a lot of stand-ups up here

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being like, "So Triscuits are
comin' out in new flavors."

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'Cause...

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(laughter)

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"Sour cream and onion.
How 'bout just sour cream, huh?

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What the fuck else
is goin' on?"

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That's 'cause we think
you're gonna lunge at us,

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somewhere in our lizard minds.

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But whenever I get afraid
of a human being,

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I always remember
one simple thing,

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that you can use as well,

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which is that everybody sleeps.

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(laughter)

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You're welcome.

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If you are afraid of a person,
just remind yourself they sleep.

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They sleep.

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This guy's yelling at me,
I got afraid,

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I just remembered
in five hours,

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this same scary man
was gonna be like...

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(gibbering)

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(laughter)

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"Mm!"

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Flipping the pillow
to the cool side.

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"Oh, I need it."

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(laughter)

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That's not scary.

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That is the opposite of scary.

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What is sleep though?

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Seriously, what is it?

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I know we all do it,
but I think it's just

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another assumption
that we all take for granted.

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We're just like, "All right,"
with your roommate.
"Hey, it's midnight.

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"Gonna go in my room.
I'm just gonna...

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"gonna lay down.

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"Gonna close my eyes

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"and I'm gonna remain.

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(laughter)

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So, if you need me,
I'll be in there remaining."

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But what is it?

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Explain sleep to an alien
that doesn't sleep.

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I couldn't do it.

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I could explain food.

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I could be like,
"I need energy,
so I ate an apple

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so I can use the energy
that's in the apple."

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He'd be like, "Okay."

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"Anything else?"

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"Yeah."

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"At night..."

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"regardless of how much
energy I've consumed..."

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(laughter)

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"...I just have to shut it down.

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I shut it down
for like eight, nine,
sometimes 12 hours."

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"Sounds boring."
I'm like, "No.

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My brain plays movies
that I'm in."

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(laughter)

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(cheers, applause)

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(sing-songy)
"Sometimes they're scary."

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What is a nightmare?

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I just have a bunch
of questions for you guys.

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What is a nightmare?

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Let's figure this out.

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What is a nightmare?

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A nightmare is
you scaring you.

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It's hot you-on-you action.

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What the fuck?

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I had a dream
the other night, a nightmare.

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I was walking down a hallway.
I made the hallway.

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I saw a box.
I made the box.

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I thought,
"Hey, what's in that box?"

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Didn't know,
opened it,

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it was overflowing
with cobras...

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(laughter)

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...and they attacked me.

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I made the box.

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I made the cobras.

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I asked. I said,
"What's in the box?"

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Brad Pitt style.
"What's in the box?"

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But your brain is
a fucking asshole

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and it was like,
"No, no, no, don't tell him."

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"I want to see
what he does."

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"He"?

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What "he"? Us!

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You want to see
what "us" does?

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Because your brain
is an asshole!

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Yeah, I said it.

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Your brain is an asshole.

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It doesn't love you
all the time.

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Think about it.

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Your brain could make
you happy all of the time

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for no reason whatsoever,
any moment it wants to.

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It has all the ingredients.

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Dopamine, adrenaline,
endorphins.

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It's all up there.

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Your brain is just
a withholding piece of shit.

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(laughter)

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It has the good stuff
sequestered in the corner.

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Like, "You wanna feel good?"

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"Yeah? You wanna
feel real nice?

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Go for a jog."

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Fuck you!

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(applause)

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00:08:02,918 --> 00:08:04,792
(cheering)
(whistling)

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Give me the goods 'cause
I'm the commander in chief!

202
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That's an order!

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But it won't,
'cause your brain's a dick.

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But I'm a silly, silly
fun boy, right?

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(chortles)

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And one of the reasons is,
I've recalibrated my brain

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to reward me
for the things I am doing,

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not the things
I could be doing.

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And that's what
I think you should do.

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That's one of the keys
to having this.

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Love yourself
for what you are doing,

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not what you could be doing.

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(applause)
Too many people-- Yeah!

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Yeah!

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Too many people
are going around

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waiting for something
phenomenal like,

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"I'll love me
when I discover

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"a new body of water.

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That's when Steve
will love Steve."

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Like, "We found them, Steve.
We found all of them."

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"So what's that?"
"That's Lake Michigan."

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"The search continues."

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Love yourself
for what you are doing.

224
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That's what I do.
Like the other night,

225
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I was sleeping
and I discovered
a new sleeping position.

226
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I wasn't planning on this.

227
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I was just improvising,

228
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and I discovered a new one.

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On-the-stomach four?

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(laughter, cheers)

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Whoo!

232
00:09:21,751 --> 00:09:22,876
Whoo!

233
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That will put you deep,
on-the-stomach four!

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And I knew
I had done something

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00:09:27,834 --> 00:09:30,542
by my own standards,
so I woke myself up

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00:09:30,626 --> 00:09:32,792
from a deep sleep
to lift my head off the pillow

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and go, "Mm, you're killin' it,"
and went back to bed.

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Endorphins, endorphins,
endorphins, endorphins.

239
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I don't mess with
my joy quota, man.

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Neither do you.
That's why you're here--

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to cash happy checks,
to live your life.

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Good for you.

243
00:09:50,292 --> 00:09:51,792
I keep an eye...

244
00:09:51,876 --> 00:09:54,042
You gotta keep an eye
on your joy quota.

245
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One month, it was low.

246
00:09:55,584 --> 00:09:58,250
And I don't go to a lot
of music concerts... (sniffs)

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(laughter)

248
00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:03,292
Yeah, further evidence
by the fact that

249
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I refer to them
as "music concerts,"

250
00:10:07,209 --> 00:10:10,792
like a narc
in the parking lot.

251
00:10:10,876 --> 00:10:14,751
"Guys wanna smoke some
chronic and get faded? Yeah!"

252
00:10:14,834 --> 00:10:18,042
Leaning on my van
that says "DEA."

253
00:10:19,292 --> 00:10:21,292
"Wanna do some
underage drinkin'?"

254
00:10:21,375 --> 00:10:22,667
(laughs)

255
00:10:22,751 --> 00:10:25,459
But I don't go
to a lot of concerts,
but my joy quota was low.

256
00:10:25,542 --> 00:10:27,209
And you're gonna think
that I went as a joke.

257
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I didn't. I bought tickets
to see-- don't judge--

258
00:10:29,626 --> 00:10:31,542
to see Enrique-- Okay.

259
00:10:31,626 --> 00:10:33,292
(laughter)

260
00:10:33,375 --> 00:10:34,542
(applause)
Yeah.

261
00:10:34,626 --> 00:10:37,459
Enrique Iglesias.
That's the right response.

262
00:10:37,542 --> 00:10:38,542
(cheering)

263
00:10:38,626 --> 00:10:40,042
That is the right response.

264
00:10:40,125 --> 00:10:41,542
I bought tickets
to see Enri--

265
00:10:41,626 --> 00:10:43,209
I should say,
"I bought ticket."

266
00:10:43,292 --> 00:10:45,083
No one would go with me.

267
00:10:45,167 --> 00:10:46,083
(laughter)

268
00:10:46,167 --> 00:10:48,500
I offered to drive,
I offered to pay.

269
00:10:48,584 --> 00:10:50,334
I went alone.

270
00:10:50,417 --> 00:10:53,125
I was the only man there alone,

271
00:10:53,209 --> 00:10:55,042
was the only white man
there, alone,

272
00:10:55,125 --> 00:11:00,125
in his 30s, just standing
in a sea of Latina children.

273
00:11:00,209 --> 00:11:01,667
Just Latina girls.

274
00:11:01,751 --> 00:11:04,042
Like, Latina<i> niñas...</i>

275
00:11:04,125 --> 00:11:06,167
and just me,
and they're the ocean

276
00:11:06,250 --> 00:11:08,334
and I'm the lighthouse
just like...

277
00:11:08,417 --> 00:11:10,584
(laughter)

278
00:11:10,667 --> 00:11:12,334
"♪ You can run, you can... ♪"

279
00:11:12,417 --> 00:11:13,375
Just...

280
00:11:13,459 --> 00:11:15,584
Best show I've ever seen.

281
00:11:15,667 --> 00:11:17,918
Four times,
I went like this.

282
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:19,918
(laughter)

283
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:22,959
Four times.
It was amazing.

284
00:11:23,042 --> 00:11:24,667
Now, this is what makes
this a story.

285
00:11:24,751 --> 00:11:26,751
I actually go
to so few music co--

286
00:11:26,834 --> 00:11:29,709
I go to so few concerts...

287
00:11:29,792 --> 00:11:31,751
that I swear to God,
I literally forgot

288
00:11:31,834 --> 00:11:34,626
that encores are a thing.

289
00:11:34,709 --> 00:11:36,167
That's a silly tradition
we have,

290
00:11:36,250 --> 00:11:38,083
that the band pretends
the show is over.

291
00:11:38,167 --> 00:11:39,542
The Rolling Stones go
in the wings like,

292
00:11:39,626 --> 00:11:41,667
(British accent)
"Should we go out?
Yeah? Yeah?"

293
00:11:41,751 --> 00:11:42,959
Like, that--

294
00:11:43,042 --> 00:11:43,959
So I forgot.

295
00:11:44,042 --> 00:11:45,667
I forgot that
that was a thing.

296
00:11:45,751 --> 00:11:48,584
So, Enrique sang what
I thought was the last song.

297
00:11:48,667 --> 00:11:50,417
Left the stage,
the lights came up.

298
00:11:50,500 --> 00:11:53,959
I was the only one
standing there like, "What?"

299
00:11:54,042 --> 00:11:56,459
(laughter)

300
00:12:01,042 --> 00:12:03,626
(laughter)

301
00:12:06,459 --> 00:12:09,250
(laughter)

302
00:12:16,292 --> 00:12:18,459
(laughter)

303
00:12:26,834 --> 00:12:28,542
"He didn't play 'Hero.'"

304
00:12:28,626 --> 00:12:30,834
(laughter)

305
00:12:33,375 --> 00:12:34,751
"Why wouldn't he play 'Hero'?"

306
00:12:34,834 --> 00:12:37,042
"That's, like, his biggest song."

307
00:12:37,125 --> 00:12:39,834
<i>"¿Niñas, dónde está 'Hero'?"</i>

308
00:12:39,918 --> 00:12:41,500
(laughter)

309
00:12:41,584 --> 00:12:45,209
<i>"Quiero escuchar 'Hero.'
¿También? ¿También?</i>

310
00:12:45,292 --> 00:12:48,834
"Can I upgrade this<i> 'quiero'</i>
to a<i> 'queremos'?</i>

311
00:12:48,918 --> 00:12:51,667
<i>Sí? 'Hero!' 'Hero!'"</i>

312
00:12:51,751 --> 00:12:53,751
All the Latinas
started chanting, "'Hero.'"

313
00:12:53,834 --> 00:12:55,000
Started a little<i> revolución.</i>

314
00:12:55,083 --> 00:12:58,292
It started very, very quickly.

315
00:12:58,375 --> 00:13:01,042
And it wouldn't be a good story
if Enrique just came back out

316
00:13:01,125 --> 00:13:03,042
and sang "Hero."
That's not a story.

317
00:13:03,125 --> 00:13:04,751
And I'm not here
to waste your time.

318
00:13:06,209 --> 00:13:08,167
This is a story.
We were in the cheap seats,

319
00:13:08,250 --> 00:13:09,292
the bad seats.

320
00:13:09,375 --> 00:13:11,792
But I didn't know
about three feet in front of me,

321
00:13:11,876 --> 00:13:14,459
there was a second stage--
a secret stage

322
00:13:14,542 --> 00:13:16,459
about the size
of a cocktail table

323
00:13:16,542 --> 00:13:17,751
that lowered down...

324
00:13:17,834 --> 00:13:19,876
Listen to me now.
(laughter)

325
00:13:19,959 --> 00:13:24,584
...and Enrique
fuckin' Iglesias rose up

326
00:13:24,667 --> 00:13:28,667
like Han Solo
being released from carbonite,

327
00:13:28,751 --> 00:13:31,042
like Christ on the third day,

328
00:13:31,125 --> 00:13:33,083
wearing that Army hat he wears

329
00:13:33,167 --> 00:13:36,834
like he's fighting and winning
a sexy, sexy battle.

330
00:13:36,918 --> 00:13:39,417
He's like,
"I can be your hero."

331
00:13:42,542 --> 00:13:44,792
It was amazing.
Suddenly the bad seats
are the good seats.

332
00:13:44,876 --> 00:13:47,334
A whole tidal wave
of Latinas floods over

333
00:13:47,417 --> 00:13:49,584
and everybody's freaking out
and the music for "Hero"

334
00:13:49,667 --> 00:13:51,125
starts to play,
and he goes,

335
00:13:51,209 --> 00:13:54,125
"(macho voice)
I need a volunteer."

336
00:13:54,209 --> 00:13:55,876
That is not how he sounds.

337
00:13:58,459 --> 00:13:59,959
"I need a volunteer.

338
00:14:00,042 --> 00:14:02,459
Stay thirsty, my friends."

339
00:14:04,751 --> 00:14:05,959
He goes,
"I need a volunteer."

340
00:14:06,042 --> 00:14:08,417
It wasn't me. Some of you
were thinking it was me.

341
00:14:08,500 --> 00:14:10,375
I would have broken
a lot of preteen hearts

342
00:14:10,459 --> 00:14:13,292
if I was like,
"I'll do it, Enrique!"

343
00:14:17,751 --> 00:14:21,125
"(off-key)
♪ Would you dance ♪"

344
00:14:21,209 --> 00:14:22,709
Everyone's crying.

345
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:25,042
It wasn't me.

346
00:14:25,125 --> 00:14:26,667
He pointed to a young woman
in the front row

347
00:14:26,751 --> 00:14:29,459
and he goes,
"You!

348
00:14:29,542 --> 00:14:31,751
Are you 18?"

349
00:14:31,834 --> 00:14:33,042
(laughter)

350
00:14:33,125 --> 00:14:34,375
He said it into the mic.

351
00:14:34,459 --> 00:14:36,584
It wasn't like
a private question like, "You!"

352
00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:38,751
"Are you 18?

353
00:14:38,834 --> 00:14:41,167
"I can't get sued again.

354
00:14:41,250 --> 00:14:43,709
Enrique can't get sued again."

355
00:14:44,876 --> 00:14:48,125
It was part of the show.
And she goes,<i> "Sí!"</i>

356
00:14:48,209 --> 00:14:51,334
And no fuckin'<i> sí</i>
was she 18.

357
00:14:53,250 --> 00:14:55,292
She was 15
if she was a day.

358
00:14:55,375 --> 00:14:58,709
The light was dancing
off her braces.

359
00:14:58,792 --> 00:15:00,250
But he was like,
"Close enough."

360
00:15:00,334 --> 00:15:03,292
And he brought this woman
onto this tiny stage

361
00:15:03,375 --> 00:15:05,250
and he started grinding
on her, singing "Hero."

362
00:15:05,334 --> 00:15:09,918
Fifteen! Her fuckin'
learner's permit fell out
of her back pocket!

363
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:11,167
(laughter)

364
00:15:11,250 --> 00:15:13,209
I can feel some of you
being very white and judging,

365
00:15:13,292 --> 00:15:18,626
but if you were there, we were
all like,<i> "♪ Bailamos! ♪"</i>

366
00:15:19,792 --> 00:15:21,209
And she-- she loved it.

367
00:15:21,292 --> 00:15:22,667
She was crying,
she was shaking.

368
00:15:22,751 --> 00:15:24,584
It was like
her<i> quinceañera,</i>

369
00:15:24,667 --> 00:15:25,751
and her prom,

370
00:15:25,834 --> 00:15:29,626
and losing her virginity
all in one three-minute ballad.

371
00:15:29,709 --> 00:15:32,626
So, you can judge
if you want, but it was great.

372
00:15:33,709 --> 00:15:35,667
It was statutory great.

373
00:15:35,751 --> 00:15:37,334
(laughs)

374
00:15:37,417 --> 00:15:39,125
(cheers, applause)

375
00:15:40,918 --> 00:15:42,000
(whooshes)

376
00:15:42,083 --> 00:15:44,042
(laughs)

377
00:15:46,334 --> 00:15:48,417
Now, this is a new year
for me, man.

378
00:15:48,500 --> 00:15:50,542
I have some-- I have
some life goals this year.

379
00:15:50,626 --> 00:15:52,417
One, I would like
to get to a point

380
00:15:52,500 --> 00:15:55,834
in my own personal confidence
where I can tell a cab driver

381
00:15:55,918 --> 00:15:59,626
not to text
while he's driving me.

382
00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:01,000
Sounds like a joke.

383
00:16:01,083 --> 00:16:02,626
No joke. I can't do it.

384
00:16:02,709 --> 00:16:03,918
I just want him to like me.

385
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:07,542
I'm just like,
"Multitasking, cool!

386
00:16:07,626 --> 00:16:10,334
You calling an Uber
to race? Neat!"

387
00:16:11,792 --> 00:16:14,209
You gotta do something way worse
for me to speak up.

388
00:16:14,292 --> 00:16:15,500
This actually happened.

389
00:16:15,584 --> 00:16:17,375
I was in a cab,
just a regular cab
in New York City,

390
00:16:17,459 --> 00:16:20,334
on the highway, we're going
about 60 miles-an-hour,

391
00:16:20,417 --> 00:16:23,667
driver starts driving
with his knees...

392
00:16:23,751 --> 00:16:25,959
so, I perk up.

393
00:16:26,042 --> 00:16:28,626
Something is about to happen.

394
00:16:28,709 --> 00:16:31,167
And then he leans over
to the passenger seat,

395
00:16:31,250 --> 00:16:33,125
opens a case
of some sort,

396
00:16:33,209 --> 00:16:35,042
takes out a flute...

397
00:16:36,834 --> 00:16:38,292
Are you listening?

398
00:16:38,375 --> 00:16:39,709
(laughter)

399
00:16:39,792 --> 00:16:41,751
Takes out a flute,

400
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:43,459
and not to just admire
the flute like,

401
00:16:43,542 --> 00:16:48,250
"Ah, that's my fuckin' flute."

402
00:16:48,334 --> 00:16:49,918
He took out a flute,

403
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:52,959
a two-handed wind instrument,

404
00:16:53,042 --> 00:16:56,250
and started playing
the fucking flute.

405
00:16:56,334 --> 00:16:58,918
Just like, "♪ Do-do-do-do-do ♪"

406
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:00,792
And I get it, it's hard
to find practice time.

407
00:17:00,876 --> 00:17:02,792
I understand.

408
00:17:02,876 --> 00:17:04,459
But maybe wait
till you hit a red light

409
00:17:04,542 --> 00:17:05,876
before you
bang out those scales

410
00:17:05,959 --> 00:17:08,125
and keep
the fingies loose, okay?

411
00:17:08,209 --> 00:17:11,292
So, this happened
on Earth, in a car,

412
00:17:11,375 --> 00:17:14,125
filled with oxygen,
we were both alive,

413
00:17:14,209 --> 00:17:16,542
and I had to lean forward,
and I said...

414
00:17:19,250 --> 00:17:21,292
"Sir...

415
00:17:21,375 --> 00:17:25,918
"I can't believe
I have to say this...

416
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:30,125
"but could you please
not play the flute?

417
00:17:30,209 --> 00:17:31,876
Just while we're driving."

418
00:17:31,959 --> 00:17:34,250
And this is the part
that makes this a story,

419
00:17:34,334 --> 00:17:36,250
is he acted
like I was crazy.

420
00:17:36,334 --> 00:17:38,334
He's like, "What?
What's your problem?"

421
00:17:38,417 --> 00:17:40,042
"What's your problem?
(imitates flute)

422
00:17:40,125 --> 00:17:41,209
What's your problem?"

423
00:17:41,292 --> 00:17:43,167
I was like,
"Fuckin' admit it!

424
00:17:43,250 --> 00:17:46,709
I caught you!
I caught you flute-handed!"

425
00:17:46,792 --> 00:17:47,918
Even if you're alone,

426
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:49,709
if you're playing
the flute driving, you're like,

427
00:17:49,792 --> 00:17:51,167
"This is pretty fucked up,"

428
00:17:51,250 --> 00:17:53,709
just say you're sorry!

429
00:17:53,792 --> 00:17:56,542
The giveaway
was the flute music.

430
00:17:56,626 --> 00:17:58,584
I'm sitting in the back like,

431
00:17:58,667 --> 00:18:01,542
"That sounds live."

432
00:18:01,626 --> 00:18:03,626
(laughter)

433
00:18:07,417 --> 00:18:08,834
Another goal
for this year,

434
00:18:08,918 --> 00:18:12,876
this is the year
that I would like
to understand the trumpet.

435
00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:14,459
(scattered laughter)

436
00:18:16,876 --> 00:18:19,292
I don't want to play it.

437
00:18:19,375 --> 00:18:21,500
I just want to get it.

438
00:18:21,584 --> 00:18:23,500
Listen to me now.

439
00:18:23,584 --> 00:18:25,375
Three buttons?

440
00:18:27,042 --> 00:18:29,667
Excuse me.

441
00:18:29,751 --> 00:18:32,125
Three buttons...

442
00:18:32,209 --> 00:18:35,751
and it plays all the notes?

443
00:18:40,209 --> 00:18:41,667
Fuck's goin' on?

444
00:18:42,959 --> 00:18:44,500
I want answers.

445
00:18:44,584 --> 00:18:46,042
Sometimes they're pushing two,

446
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,375
sometimes they're pushing none.

447
00:18:47,459 --> 00:18:50,667
That doesn't add up
to 12. I checked.

448
00:18:50,751 --> 00:18:53,042
I like a more straightforward
brass instrument.

449
00:18:53,125 --> 00:18:56,959
Like saxophone,
he's got no secrets.

450
00:18:59,876 --> 00:19:01,375
Button to note, baby.

451
00:19:01,459 --> 00:19:05,042
Sax looks you right in the eye
when he shakes your hand.

452
00:19:05,125 --> 00:19:06,375
(laughter)

453
00:19:06,459 --> 00:19:07,375
Oh, my God.

454
00:19:07,459 --> 00:19:09,667
Chicago, that joke never works.

455
00:19:09,751 --> 00:19:11,417
(laughter)

456
00:19:11,500 --> 00:19:13,751
(cheers)

457
00:19:13,834 --> 00:19:17,918
That joke never works!

458
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:19,959
I wish you could come
on the road with me

459
00:19:20,042 --> 00:19:21,459
just to see me
in other towns.

460
00:19:21,542 --> 00:19:23,042
Like, "Three buttons?"
And they're like,

461
00:19:23,125 --> 00:19:26,125
"Talk about your dick!"

462
00:19:29,918 --> 00:19:31,459
It should be an easy laugh.

463
00:19:31,542 --> 00:19:32,751
I'm an easy laugh.

464
00:19:32,834 --> 00:19:34,417
I am an easy laugh.

465
00:19:34,500 --> 00:19:36,918
I don't know why people
always make fun of people
that are easy laughs.

466
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:38,667
They're like,
"Look at that fuckin' idiot.

467
00:19:38,751 --> 00:19:43,209
"Walkin' around, chucklin'
and feeling joy and silliness

468
00:19:43,292 --> 00:19:47,500
through all of his days.
What a fuckin' moron."

469
00:19:47,584 --> 00:19:49,292
Worse than that,

470
00:19:49,375 --> 00:19:52,209
people are proud
of being hard-laughs.

471
00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:53,542
Hard-laughs.

472
00:19:53,626 --> 00:19:56,209
They go around like,
"Yeah, I laughed at that movie,

473
00:19:56,292 --> 00:19:58,876
"and I'm a hard-laugh.

474
00:19:58,959 --> 00:20:01,417
It's hard to make me laugh."

475
00:20:01,500 --> 00:20:03,876
I'm like,
"Yeah. Work on that."

476
00:20:03,959 --> 00:20:05,626
(laughter)

477
00:20:05,709 --> 00:20:07,375
What are you, Nosferatu?

478
00:20:07,459 --> 00:20:08,918
(laughter)

479
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:11,959
Let some sunlight
onto your goddamn soul.

480
00:20:12,042 --> 00:20:14,000
Like, "No, I got barbed wire
around my heart."

481
00:20:14,083 --> 00:20:15,626
"Nothing gets in or out.

482
00:20:15,709 --> 00:20:19,459
You gotta trick me
to make my joy noise."

483
00:20:19,542 --> 00:20:21,792
I'm a comedian.
I-- I hope that's apparent.

484
00:20:21,876 --> 00:20:24,125
I'm a comedian.
(laughter)

485
00:20:24,209 --> 00:20:27,250
We're supposed to be jaded,
cynical, angry people.

486
00:20:27,334 --> 00:20:29,626
I am an easy laugh.
I-- I work at it.

487
00:20:29,709 --> 00:20:31,834
I stretch this shit out
every day.

488
00:20:31,918 --> 00:20:32,876
I'll give you an example.

489
00:20:32,959 --> 00:20:34,834
All week, I've been
laughing to myself

490
00:20:34,918 --> 00:20:38,417
just remembering
that Lenny Kravitz...

491
00:20:38,500 --> 00:20:41,626
(laughter)

492
00:20:43,500 --> 00:20:47,626
His name is "Leonard Kravitz."

493
00:20:47,709 --> 00:20:49,459
(laughter)

494
00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:53,083
That's it.

495
00:20:53,167 --> 00:20:55,626
No twists or turns
on that one.

496
00:20:55,709 --> 00:20:58,751
Lenny Kravitz,
the coolest man in the world,

497
00:20:58,834 --> 00:21:02,918
when he picks up a package,
he goes, "Hi. Kravitz, Leonard."

498
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:04,709
That is a dork name.

499
00:21:04,792 --> 00:21:05,959
That's a dork name.

500
00:21:06,042 --> 00:21:09,334
Don't let the red pants
and the sweet solos fool ya.

501
00:21:09,417 --> 00:21:11,167
That's a nerd name.

502
00:21:11,250 --> 00:21:12,626
It has the word "nerd" in it.

503
00:21:12,709 --> 00:21:15,125
Leo-nerd!

504
00:21:15,209 --> 00:21:17,667
The coolest man.

505
00:21:17,751 --> 00:21:19,375
(laughs)

506
00:21:19,459 --> 00:21:21,792
I think joy
is hiding everywhere.

507
00:21:21,876 --> 00:21:23,209
You just have to look for it.

508
00:21:23,292 --> 00:21:25,000
Like, I've told
this story before,

509
00:21:25,083 --> 00:21:27,167
but whenever I fly,
I fly in a T-shirt

510
00:21:27,250 --> 00:21:28,959
that I don't care about
'cause I don't know why,

511
00:21:29,042 --> 00:21:30,876
but when I fly,
I always get very sweaty.

512
00:21:30,959 --> 00:21:33,334
I get picked up,
I got pit stains,

513
00:21:33,417 --> 00:21:34,417
I'm glistening.

514
00:21:34,500 --> 00:21:38,083
My friends are like,
"Have you been jogging?"

515
00:21:38,167 --> 00:21:39,626
I'm like, "No..."

516
00:21:39,709 --> 00:21:42,751
"just sitting still
in the sky."

517
00:21:47,876 --> 00:21:50,876
"Do you have any Gatorade?"

518
00:21:50,959 --> 00:21:54,292
So, I always fly
in a T-shirt I don't care about.

519
00:21:54,375 --> 00:21:56,417
Now, I've been given the shirt
twice as a gift.

520
00:21:56,500 --> 00:21:59,125
It's a shirt that says
"Dr. Seuss 'Green Eggs
and Ham.'"

521
00:21:59,209 --> 00:22:00,918
Just looks like
the cover of the book.

522
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:03,167
Twice. From two
different people,

523
00:22:03,250 --> 00:22:06,083
on two different occasions.

524
00:22:06,167 --> 00:22:07,626
The first time
I opened it up,

525
00:22:07,709 --> 00:22:08,709
I was like,
"Oh, cool!"

526
00:22:08,792 --> 00:22:11,375
But in my mind,
I was like, "Fuck this shit."

527
00:22:13,083 --> 00:22:17,500
I get it. I'm like
a childish man, but no.

528
00:22:17,584 --> 00:22:19,542
"Just no."

529
00:22:19,626 --> 00:22:21,959
Second time, a week later,
another person

530
00:22:22,042 --> 00:22:24,209
who didn't know
of the first person
gave it to me.

531
00:22:24,292 --> 00:22:26,375
I unwrapped it,
it was like God himself

532
00:22:26,459 --> 00:22:29,626
being like,
"Put on the fucking shirt."

533
00:22:31,584 --> 00:22:35,042
"This is how
the world sees you.

534
00:22:35,125 --> 00:22:37,125
"I gave you
that goof-goof face.

535
00:22:37,209 --> 00:22:39,959
Wear the uniform."

536
00:22:42,042 --> 00:22:43,209
So, I wear it.

537
00:22:43,292 --> 00:22:44,459
But I only wear it
when I fly.

538
00:22:44,542 --> 00:22:45,876
Now here's the story.

539
00:22:45,959 --> 00:22:48,792
It's like 7:00 a.m. at LAX,
Los Angeles Airport,

540
00:22:48,876 --> 00:22:50,709
I'm going through security,
I'm a little grumpy.

541
00:22:50,792 --> 00:22:53,876
People are typically grumpy
when they're going through
security at 7:00 a.m.,

542
00:22:53,959 --> 00:22:56,751
going through that machine
that's killing us all.

543
00:22:56,834 --> 00:23:01,209
Taking naked,
<i>Avatar</i> planet pictures

544
00:23:01,292 --> 00:23:03,417
of our dicks
and our pusses.

545
00:23:08,125 --> 00:23:09,209
So I'm grumpy.

546
00:23:09,292 --> 00:23:12,000
And this is what put me
in an unexpected good mood

547
00:23:12,083 --> 00:23:13,709
for about two years now.

548
00:23:13,792 --> 00:23:16,292
There was a TSA agent
in my periphery.

549
00:23:16,375 --> 00:23:17,375
I couldn't fully see her.

550
00:23:17,459 --> 00:23:19,667
Who was this ambassador of joy?

551
00:23:19,751 --> 00:23:21,542
Who was this angel
that saw me?

552
00:23:21,626 --> 00:23:23,626
'Cause she put me in a good mood
just by going like this.

553
00:23:23,709 --> 00:23:25,542
This is what I heard her say.
She went...

554
00:23:25,626 --> 00:23:30,959
"What you know
about 'Green Eggs and Ham'?"

555
00:23:33,626 --> 00:23:36,834
How can you be sad
when that exists?

556
00:23:36,918 --> 00:23:38,417
That happened!

557
00:23:38,500 --> 00:23:40,000
Not in a comedy club.

558
00:23:40,083 --> 00:23:41,334
There was no drink minimum.

559
00:23:41,417 --> 00:23:42,709
There was no cover.

560
00:23:42,792 --> 00:23:46,459
Just a woman killing it
in the wild.

561
00:23:46,542 --> 00:23:50,834
Just, "What you know
about 'Green Eggs and Ham'?"

562
00:23:50,918 --> 00:23:53,125
And I forgot
I was wearing the shirt.

563
00:23:53,209 --> 00:23:56,792
I thought it was
a security question.

564
00:23:56,876 --> 00:23:59,042
I'm like,
"Who are green eggs?
What is ham?

565
00:23:59,125 --> 00:24:02,417
I don't know.
Al-Qaeda!"

566
00:24:02,500 --> 00:24:04,626
That always makes me happy.

567
00:24:04,709 --> 00:24:06,667
I want that
in my wedding vows.

568
00:24:06,751 --> 00:24:08,584
I want to be like,
"To have and to hold

569
00:24:08,667 --> 00:24:11,918
and what you know
about 'Green Eggs and Ham'?"

570
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:14,626
And if she doesn't laugh,
she's not the one.

571
00:24:14,709 --> 00:24:17,292
I'm gonna do a 360
and walk out.

572
00:24:17,375 --> 00:24:18,626
That's right, through her.

573
00:24:18,709 --> 00:24:20,834
Don't math-check my jokes.

574
00:24:22,417 --> 00:24:23,584
Don't math-check my jokes.

575
00:24:23,667 --> 00:24:27,375
I will T-1000
all the way through her.

576
00:24:27,459 --> 00:24:30,083
The suit was
liquid metal as well.

577
00:24:32,459 --> 00:24:33,334
That is joy.

578
00:24:33,417 --> 00:24:34,876
You have this
for the rest of your life.

579
00:24:34,959 --> 00:24:37,834
Keep it in a pill
behind your molars
if you ever need it.

580
00:24:38,792 --> 00:24:40,250
Like if it's the holiday season,

581
00:24:40,334 --> 00:24:42,334
and if you're looking
for parking at a Target

582
00:24:42,417 --> 00:24:44,751
for like 45 minutes
'cause you volunteered

583
00:24:44,834 --> 00:24:48,500
to get ice 'cause you needed
a break from your family...

584
00:24:48,584 --> 00:24:51,000
and you're looking
and you're looping
and you're looping,

585
00:24:51,083 --> 00:24:53,167
and finally, you see
someone leaving a spot,

586
00:24:53,250 --> 00:24:56,042
you stop, you signal,
you do everything correct,

587
00:24:56,125 --> 00:24:57,334
that spot is yours,

588
00:24:57,417 --> 00:25:00,417
but then, at the last second,
someone else swoops in

589
00:25:00,500 --> 00:25:02,209
and then steals that spot,

590
00:25:02,292 --> 00:25:04,918
you have a choice to make.

591
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:06,751
You can get mad.
Just be like,

592
00:25:06,834 --> 00:25:11,292
"Agh! Cock butter bitch!"

593
00:25:15,042 --> 00:25:16,584
I don't know
how to be mad.

594
00:25:16,667 --> 00:25:18,083
(laughs)

595
00:25:18,167 --> 00:25:20,709
"Cock butter!"

596
00:25:20,792 --> 00:25:22,125
Cock butter.

597
00:25:22,209 --> 00:25:24,584
If you're not laughing,
you're not picturing

598
00:25:24,667 --> 00:25:28,500
a fully grown naked man,
but instead of an erection,

599
00:25:28,584 --> 00:25:31,500
he has a yellow stick of butter.

600
00:25:31,584 --> 00:25:33,375
"I'm comin' for ya."

601
00:25:33,459 --> 00:25:34,918
And he's trying
to get it in there,

602
00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:37,918
but it's warm,
so it keeps melting.

603
00:25:45,209 --> 00:25:47,542
That is a new way to say
that you've lost your erection.

604
00:25:47,626 --> 00:25:52,042
Just like, "Sorry, baby.
It is Land O'Lakes down there."

605
00:25:53,751 --> 00:25:56,876
"I can't believe
it's not an erection. I just..."

606
00:25:56,959 --> 00:25:58,584
(laughs)

607
00:26:01,667 --> 00:26:02,876
So, you can get mad.

608
00:26:02,959 --> 00:26:04,834
And if you want to get mad,
go ahead, get mad.

609
00:26:04,918 --> 00:26:06,083
I'm not saying
don't get mad.

610
00:26:06,167 --> 00:26:08,417
I am saying though
that happy people

611
00:26:08,500 --> 00:26:10,876
don't steal parking spots.

612
00:26:10,959 --> 00:26:13,209
Miserable people
steal parking spots.

613
00:26:13,292 --> 00:26:14,918
So, that person
is already miserable.

614
00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:17,209
So, maybe you're just
affecting your own reality.

615
00:26:17,292 --> 00:26:19,375
So, why not confuse?

616
00:26:21,083 --> 00:26:22,250
They steal the spot.

617
00:26:22,334 --> 00:26:24,876
Calmly roll down your window,

618
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:28,918
1973-style gesture for them
to roll down their window...

619
00:26:30,584 --> 00:26:32,459
and when you lock
on eye contact,

620
00:26:32,542 --> 00:26:34,626
and I really mean looking
deep into their soul,

621
00:26:34,709 --> 00:26:37,209
like a college freshman
playing "Hey There Delilah"

622
00:26:37,292 --> 00:26:39,459
on the acoustic, just...

623
00:26:39,542 --> 00:26:41,584
(laughter)

624
00:26:45,375 --> 00:26:47,292
...when you locked
on that secure connection,

625
00:26:47,375 --> 00:26:50,626
just be like,
"What you know
about 'Green Eggs and Ham'?"

626
00:26:50,709 --> 00:26:53,125
And do joy donuts
for about 45 minutes.

627
00:26:53,209 --> 00:26:56,959
Just like, "Would you,
could you, on a boat?"

628
00:26:57,042 --> 00:26:58,959
I guarantee you,
when you're done laughing,

629
00:26:59,042 --> 00:27:00,375
more parking will open up.

630
00:27:02,292 --> 00:27:03,709
That's a promise.

631
00:27:05,250 --> 00:27:08,375
I think those little joy moments
are hiding everywhere.

632
00:27:08,459 --> 00:27:10,417
Like recently,
I was in line at Starbucks--

633
00:27:10,500 --> 00:27:13,000
I don't drink coffee.
I run on anxiety.

634
00:27:14,834 --> 00:27:17,167
But I'm a grown man
and I wanted a cookie.

635
00:27:18,876 --> 00:27:20,626
And there were three
businessmen in front of me.

636
00:27:20,709 --> 00:27:22,167
This was about 9:00
in the morning.

637
00:27:22,250 --> 00:27:24,375
And we're waiting.
It's at an airport.
I travel a lot.

638
00:27:24,459 --> 00:27:25,709
And the woman
behind the counter

639
00:27:25,792 --> 00:27:29,792
was trying to say,
"Can I help who's next?"

640
00:27:29,876 --> 00:27:32,334
Pretty standard.

641
00:27:32,417 --> 00:27:34,083
If you're gonna work
in the service industry,

642
00:27:34,167 --> 00:27:36,876
you're gonna throw out
a few "Can I help who's nexts."

643
00:27:36,959 --> 00:27:38,918
But I don't know
if it was because it was early

644
00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:40,334
or if she just
didn't give a shit,

645
00:27:40,417 --> 00:27:42,667
but she was
barely trying to speak.

646
00:27:42,751 --> 00:27:45,334
So, she was just going,
"Da-shnecks!"

647
00:27:47,876 --> 00:27:49,709
I'm not exaggerating
that in the least.

648
00:27:49,792 --> 00:27:51,959
"Da-shnecks!"

649
00:27:52,042 --> 00:27:54,876
"Da-shnecks" with confidence
and authority.

650
00:27:54,959 --> 00:27:57,792
She was like,
"Hello! Da-shnecks!"

651
00:27:59,083 --> 00:28:01,626
"Can I help who's next?"

652
00:28:01,709 --> 00:28:03,500
"Da-shnecks!"

653
00:28:05,792 --> 00:28:07,876
"Can I..."
"Da!"

654
00:28:09,334 --> 00:28:11,834
"help who's..."
"Shne!"

655
00:28:13,667 --> 00:28:15,209
"...next."
"Shnex!"

656
00:28:15,292 --> 00:28:18,167
"Da-shnecks!"

657
00:28:18,250 --> 00:28:22,292
We're all standing there like,
"What the fuck do you want
us to do?

658
00:28:22,375 --> 00:28:24,209
Do we go?"
"Da-shnecks!"

659
00:28:24,292 --> 00:28:26,209
"Do we not go?"
"Da-shnecks!"

660
00:28:26,292 --> 00:28:28,792
"Double snakes"?

661
00:28:28,876 --> 00:28:32,125
Are you proclaiming
"double snakes"?

662
00:28:32,209 --> 00:28:34,042
It sounded so much
like "double snakes,"

663
00:28:34,125 --> 00:28:35,667
no one would have
batted an eye if she was like,

664
00:28:35,751 --> 00:28:38,375
"Da-shnecks!" and then
reached down like...

665
00:28:43,876 --> 00:28:46,417
"There we two snakes down there.

666
00:28:47,667 --> 00:28:48,792
"I did not know
how to alert you

667
00:28:48,876 --> 00:28:50,959
"to the presence
of two serpents.

668
00:28:51,042 --> 00:28:53,876
"Whew, I was flustered.
Forgive me.

669
00:28:53,959 --> 00:28:56,459
"I beg your pardon.

670
00:28:56,542 --> 00:29:01,167
"Oh. Now, might I help
who amongst you that is next?

671
00:29:01,250 --> 00:29:04,125
Who amongst you is next?"

672
00:29:05,834 --> 00:29:07,584
You have this now too.

673
00:29:07,667 --> 00:29:10,709
If you're ever in a tight spot,
someone's breaking up with you

674
00:29:10,792 --> 00:29:14,375
like, "Goddammit, Diane,
it's fucking over..."

675
00:29:14,459 --> 00:29:15,626
(laughter)

676
00:29:17,083 --> 00:29:18,918
You're Diane in this one.

677
00:29:22,542 --> 00:29:26,167
"Goddammit, Diane!
It's fucking over."

678
00:29:26,250 --> 00:29:27,834
You have a choice.
You can be like,

679
00:29:27,918 --> 00:29:31,292
"(sobbing)
Oh, Tony!

680
00:29:31,375 --> 00:29:33,876
Tony!"

681
00:29:33,959 --> 00:29:36,667
That's not gonna
get Tony back, Diane.

682
00:29:36,751 --> 00:29:37,792
Why not just be silly?

683
00:29:37,876 --> 00:29:39,083
Just be like,
"Double snakes!"

684
00:29:39,167 --> 00:29:41,667
And then glide off
on one roller blade.

685
00:29:41,751 --> 00:29:43,876
One roller blade
and one baggy, baggy sock

686
00:29:43,959 --> 00:29:45,167
that's clearly not yours.

687
00:29:45,250 --> 00:29:48,167
Double birds on the way out.
Just, "Double snakes!"

688
00:29:48,250 --> 00:29:50,167
Leave with some dignity.

689
00:29:50,250 --> 00:29:52,292
(laughs)

690
00:29:52,375 --> 00:29:53,542
Yeah.

691
00:29:53,626 --> 00:29:55,125
(cheers)

692
00:29:55,209 --> 00:29:57,042
Double snakes!

693
00:29:57,125 --> 00:30:00,751
Double... snakes!

694
00:30:02,083 --> 00:30:03,792
Silly stuff, man.

695
00:30:03,876 --> 00:30:05,542
Just keep your eyes open.

696
00:30:05,626 --> 00:30:08,542
Like recently, I was
at a pool, not to brag...

697
00:30:09,626 --> 00:30:10,959
but I was at a pool.

698
00:30:11,042 --> 00:30:12,042
I was recreating.

699
00:30:12,125 --> 00:30:13,876
(chuckles)

700
00:30:13,959 --> 00:30:15,959
I was not employed
by the pool.

701
00:30:16,042 --> 00:30:17,000
I was th-- (chuckles)

702
00:30:17,083 --> 00:30:19,334
I was there
enjoying the pool,

703
00:30:19,417 --> 00:30:20,500
and there was a boy there.

704
00:30:20,584 --> 00:30:21,834
Like an eight-
or nine-year-old boy.

705
00:30:21,918 --> 00:30:24,000
Not my-- not my boy,
just like a loose--

706
00:30:24,083 --> 00:30:26,000
like a loose boy...

707
00:30:27,250 --> 00:30:28,959
running around
with his wet feet,

708
00:30:29,042 --> 00:30:30,667
doing dives and shit.

709
00:30:30,751 --> 00:30:32,042
The reason
I bring this boy up

710
00:30:32,125 --> 00:30:33,709
was that he had
the deepest voice

711
00:30:33,792 --> 00:30:35,834
I've ever heard.

712
00:30:35,918 --> 00:30:37,083
Man and child alike,

713
00:30:37,167 --> 00:30:38,125
the deepest voice I've ever--

714
00:30:38,209 --> 00:30:40,500
And it was behind me,
so all day,

715
00:30:40,584 --> 00:30:43,125
I was just hearing like,
(deep voice)
"Mommy...

716
00:30:46,459 --> 00:30:48,125
"Mama."

717
00:30:48,209 --> 00:30:50,792
"Ma."

718
00:30:50,876 --> 00:30:53,667
"What is wind?"

719
00:30:56,125 --> 00:30:58,083
"What is wind?"

720
00:31:00,000 --> 00:31:01,876
"Air moves?

721
00:31:01,959 --> 00:31:05,709
"Air moves sometimes?

722
00:31:05,792 --> 00:31:10,125
"When I dream,
where do I go?"

723
00:31:10,209 --> 00:31:11,542
"I dreamt I was in London."

724
00:31:11,626 --> 00:31:14,000
"Was I really there-uh?"

725
00:31:15,792 --> 00:31:22,459
"Was I-- was I here-uh
or was I really there-uh?

726
00:31:22,542 --> 00:31:24,042
Mama!"

727
00:31:24,959 --> 00:31:27,459
Why did every one
of us in this room

728
00:31:27,542 --> 00:31:30,417
say "here" "here-uh"
until you were like nine?

729
00:31:30,500 --> 00:31:32,709
Your whole life,
you're like, "Here-uh."

730
00:31:32,792 --> 00:31:35,209
And then on your ninth birthday,
you're like, "Here. Shit!"

731
00:31:37,292 --> 00:31:39,375
"I've been saying that wrong?"

732
00:31:40,751 --> 00:31:42,709
There are things
I still have a hard time saying.

733
00:31:42,792 --> 00:31:45,542
Like, have you ever had to tell
someone you edited something?

734
00:31:47,500 --> 00:31:49,083
What's going on there?

735
00:31:49,167 --> 00:31:50,584
Like,
"Hey, you edit that video?"

736
00:31:50,667 --> 00:31:54,042
"Yeah, I edited it. (screams)

737
00:31:55,417 --> 00:31:58,000
(screams) I edi-ded dat."

738
00:31:58,083 --> 00:32:00,209
That's too many
"di-ded-dats."

739
00:32:00,292 --> 00:32:01,834
We fucked up
as a language.

740
00:32:01,918 --> 00:32:03,209
Too many "di-ded-dats."
I sounds like

741
00:32:03,292 --> 00:32:06,417
a handful of marbles cascading
down a hardwood staircase.

742
00:32:06,500 --> 00:32:07,500
I edi-ded dat.

743
00:32:07,584 --> 00:32:09,584
I edi-ded-ded-ded-ded-ded dat.

744
00:32:09,667 --> 00:32:11,167
That's not okay.

745
00:32:11,250 --> 00:32:13,500
'Cause words aren't just
for silly times,

746
00:32:13,584 --> 00:32:16,209
they're for serious times.

747
00:32:16,292 --> 00:32:20,167
That means somebody's had
to say that phrase in distress.

748
00:32:20,250 --> 00:32:21,584
Like, "Goddammit, Diane!"

749
00:32:21,667 --> 00:32:23,417
It's Diane again.

750
00:32:23,500 --> 00:32:26,417
"You didn't edit that video.
It's fuckin' over!"

751
00:32:26,500 --> 00:32:31,918
"(sobs) I did!"

752
00:32:34,125 --> 00:32:36,375
"I edited that!"

753
00:32:40,042 --> 00:32:43,667
"I edi-ded-ded-ded dat!"

754
00:32:46,876 --> 00:32:48,709
I mostly do faces and sounds.

755
00:32:48,792 --> 00:32:50,584
That's kind of what it's--
It's what I do.

756
00:32:50,667 --> 00:32:53,417
(laughs)
Yeah.

757
00:32:53,500 --> 00:32:55,667
Comedy doesn't have to be hard.

758
00:32:55,751 --> 00:32:57,167
(laughs)

759
00:32:59,083 --> 00:33:03,000
Other things
that don't make sense
in our language, "Unicorn"?

760
00:33:03,083 --> 00:33:04,876
(audience member laughs)

761
00:33:06,167 --> 00:33:08,792
I love you so much,
whoever that was.

762
00:33:10,167 --> 00:33:13,000
Some people are like,
"Hear him out."

763
00:33:13,083 --> 00:33:18,250
One of you is like,
"Fuck it. We die.
I'm laughing now.

764
00:33:18,334 --> 00:33:19,876
"I'm not seeing
where this is going.

765
00:33:19,959 --> 00:33:22,375
I'm feeling good now."

766
00:33:24,167 --> 00:33:25,792
"Unicorn"?

767
00:33:28,334 --> 00:33:30,000
Excuse me.

768
00:33:32,167 --> 00:33:34,209
"Unicorn"?

769
00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:39,250
How about "uni-horn"?

770
00:33:43,334 --> 00:33:46,334
It has one horn.

771
00:33:47,792 --> 00:33:49,751
It has no corn.

772
00:33:49,834 --> 00:33:52,209
(laughs)

773
00:33:52,292 --> 00:33:53,792
What is that,
part of the mythology?

774
00:33:53,876 --> 00:33:56,751
There's a single kernel
of corn hidden in its mane?

775
00:33:56,834 --> 00:33:59,792
That's a long way to go
to not just call it a uni-horn.

776
00:34:01,626 --> 00:34:02,584
I like doing jokes like that.

777
00:34:02,667 --> 00:34:04,834
I call them
my incredulous jokes.

778
00:34:04,918 --> 00:34:07,417
It's where you say
something basic a couple times

779
00:34:07,500 --> 00:34:10,083
and then you explain
your problem with it.

780
00:34:10,167 --> 00:34:11,792
Here's another one.

781
00:34:14,375 --> 00:34:16,542
"Han Solo"?

782
00:34:19,709 --> 00:34:22,209
Excuse me.

783
00:34:22,292 --> 00:34:24,918
"Han Solo"?

784
00:34:26,959 --> 00:34:29,876
That dude was always
with Chewbacca.

785
00:34:29,959 --> 00:34:31,542
(laughter)

786
00:34:34,500 --> 00:34:36,709
More like "Han Duo."

787
00:34:36,792 --> 00:34:38,042
(laughs)

788
00:34:38,125 --> 00:34:39,959
You're right to groan.

789
00:34:40,042 --> 00:34:41,459
You are right to groan.

790
00:34:41,542 --> 00:34:42,751
That is a terrible joke.

791
00:34:42,834 --> 00:34:46,375
But it's the only joke
of tonight you'll remember.

792
00:34:46,459 --> 00:34:47,667
(laughs)

793
00:34:47,751 --> 00:34:50,417
Like, you're gonna be 90
in a rocking chair like,

794
00:34:50,500 --> 00:34:54,959
(laughs)
"Always with Chewbacca."

795
00:34:59,709 --> 00:35:01,959
Language can be tricky, man.

796
00:35:02,042 --> 00:35:03,834
You know who I think
has it figured out

797
00:35:03,918 --> 00:35:05,000
are the British.

798
00:35:05,083 --> 00:35:07,959
It's their language.
They should be better with it.

799
00:35:08,042 --> 00:35:09,459
But they figured something out

800
00:35:09,542 --> 00:35:11,334
that I learned
from some of my British friends,

801
00:35:11,417 --> 00:35:13,000
which is if someone
says something to you

802
00:35:13,083 --> 00:35:14,626
that you do not know
how to respond

803
00:35:14,709 --> 00:35:16,918
because it's so awkward,
all you have to do,

804
00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:19,292
this is what they do,
is repeat back to them

805
00:35:19,375 --> 00:35:21,542
what they said
as a question.

806
00:35:21,626 --> 00:35:24,209
Works every time.
I swear to God,
I do this in my own life.

807
00:35:24,292 --> 00:35:25,667
We don't do that in America.

808
00:35:25,751 --> 00:35:27,500
If someone comes up
to you at a party

809
00:35:27,584 --> 00:35:30,209
wearing a weird,
sublime shirt...

810
00:35:30,292 --> 00:35:32,417
and you're over by the chips
and they're just like,

811
00:35:32,500 --> 00:35:35,876
"Hey, man. I don't know
if Grandma's gonna make it

812
00:35:35,959 --> 00:35:37,792
through the hot, hot summer."

813
00:35:40,209 --> 00:35:41,250
That's awkward, right?

814
00:35:41,334 --> 00:35:42,626
You don't know
what to say.

815
00:35:42,709 --> 00:35:45,000
But in America,
we just take a shift.

816
00:35:45,083 --> 00:35:48,542
We just hold
the turd for a second
like that's gonna help.

817
00:35:48,626 --> 00:35:50,959
Like, "Aw, man."

818
00:35:51,042 --> 00:35:53,334
"Aw."

819
00:35:55,542 --> 00:36:00,167
"Death. Whew.

820
00:36:00,250 --> 00:36:03,834
Sorry for your upcoming loss."

821
00:36:03,918 --> 00:36:05,834
That's not helping.

822
00:36:05,918 --> 00:36:07,083
British people figured it out.

823
00:36:07,167 --> 00:36:08,584
You don't want
that ball in your court.

824
00:36:08,667 --> 00:36:09,918
Just hit it back.

825
00:36:10,000 --> 00:36:12,000
Just hit it right back.
Someone says,

826
00:36:12,083 --> 00:36:15,083
"I don't know
if Grandma's gonna make it
through the hot, hot summer."

827
00:36:15,167 --> 00:36:17,709
Just be like, "She's
on the way out, is she?"
(pops)

828
00:36:17,792 --> 00:36:19,918
(laughter)

829
00:36:28,542 --> 00:36:31,667
"You know, I'm actually
feeling really depressed."

830
00:36:31,751 --> 00:36:34,751
"Feeling a bit blue, are you?"
(pops)

831
00:36:42,876 --> 00:36:46,459
"You know, I'm actually
having suicidal thoughts."

832
00:36:46,542 --> 00:36:50,417
"Can't quite take it, can you?"
(pops)

833
00:36:55,042 --> 00:36:57,250
"Maybe I'll jump
off a building."

834
00:36:57,334 --> 00:37:00,125
"Scary though, innit?"

835
00:37:06,459 --> 00:37:07,834
"I could shoot myself."

836
00:37:07,918 --> 00:37:10,000
"Faster, yeah?"

837
00:37:15,334 --> 00:37:16,834
"I'm gonna do it tonight."

838
00:37:16,918 --> 00:37:19,209
"Cheers."

839
00:37:19,292 --> 00:37:21,417
(laughter, cheers)

840
00:37:23,292 --> 00:37:25,751
It works,
Britishing it.

841
00:37:27,125 --> 00:37:28,751
I don't know why
that one gets so dark.

842
00:37:28,834 --> 00:37:30,292
Why did I get so dark?

843
00:37:30,375 --> 00:37:31,542
There's so many of you
that are like,

844
00:37:31,626 --> 00:37:34,209
"I like the point,
but why the example?"

845
00:37:35,876 --> 00:37:37,751
Here's a silly one
to lighten it up.

846
00:37:37,834 --> 00:37:39,792
This is something I--
I do in my own mind

847
00:37:39,876 --> 00:37:42,417
whenever I need a laugh
if I'm on a plane that's delayed

848
00:37:42,500 --> 00:37:43,792
or if I'm stuck in traffic.

849
00:37:43,876 --> 00:37:45,334
I promise,
it'll work for you.

850
00:37:45,417 --> 00:37:48,500
I just saw the movie,
uh,<i> Straight Outta Compton.</i>
(cheering)

851
00:37:48,584 --> 00:37:49,500
Great movie.

852
00:37:49,584 --> 00:37:51,584
And ever since then,
I can't stop laughing,

853
00:37:51,667 --> 00:37:54,834
thinking that if a rapper
is in a recording studio,

854
00:37:54,918 --> 00:37:56,792
if he's in the little
wood-paneled booth

855
00:37:56,876 --> 00:37:58,417
with the earphones
and the mic,

856
00:37:58,500 --> 00:38:01,626
he's the only one
that can hear the music.

857
00:38:01,709 --> 00:38:02,918
That's funny.

858
00:38:04,125 --> 00:38:06,709
That means at a point
in the '90s,

859
00:38:06,792 --> 00:38:10,209
you could've been
in a recording booth
with Snoop Dogg

860
00:38:10,292 --> 00:38:12,918
and what you would have seen
was just him like...

861
00:38:13,000 --> 00:38:15,292
(laughter)

862
00:38:23,334 --> 00:38:25,459
(laughter)

863
00:38:32,918 --> 00:38:34,459
"♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪"

864
00:38:34,542 --> 00:38:35,876
(laughs)

865
00:38:39,584 --> 00:38:40,626
That happened!

866
00:38:40,709 --> 00:38:43,167
That's not silly,
silly make-'em-ups.

867
00:38:43,250 --> 00:38:44,167
That's real.

868
00:38:44,250 --> 00:38:46,000
"♪ A what, what,
what, what what ♪"

869
00:38:46,083 --> 00:38:47,250
(laughs)

870
00:38:47,334 --> 00:38:49,334
Any time you hear
a video game too,

871
00:38:49,417 --> 00:38:50,876
a voice in a video game,

872
00:38:50,959 --> 00:38:52,626
that was a person.

873
00:38:52,709 --> 00:38:56,709
That was a human person
who had a job!

874
00:38:56,792 --> 00:38:58,000
They were real!

875
00:38:58,083 --> 00:38:59,250
They had parents!

876
00:38:59,334 --> 00:39:00,876
They had a favorite cereal!

877
00:39:00,959 --> 00:39:03,500
They did
or didn't believe
in ghosts!

878
00:39:03,584 --> 00:39:05,292
And one day,
they were in a booth

879
00:39:05,375 --> 00:39:07,500
just like,
"We rollin'?"

880
00:39:07,584 --> 00:39:09,167
"Tim?"

881
00:39:10,334 --> 00:39:11,876
"Let's do this.
(sniffles)"

882
00:39:11,959 --> 00:39:15,042
(clears throat)

883
00:39:15,125 --> 00:39:17,584
(vocalizes)
"Okay."

884
00:39:22,792 --> 00:39:24,792
"Sonic Boom!"

885
00:39:24,876 --> 00:39:27,000
(laughter)

886
00:39:34,167 --> 00:39:37,167
<i>"Hadouken!"</i>

887
00:39:43,542 --> 00:39:45,667
Japan."
(laughs)

888
00:39:51,876 --> 00:39:53,375
Acting is weird, man.

889
00:39:53,459 --> 00:39:55,709
I just did some acting
for the first time in my life.

890
00:39:55,792 --> 00:39:56,876
I-- I'm not kidding,

891
00:39:56,959 --> 00:39:59,876
I thought the director told
the actor what to do.

892
00:39:59,959 --> 00:40:01,584
That's not the job at all.

893
00:40:01,667 --> 00:40:05,000
I thought it was just like,
"Hey, can I have some pizza?"
and that was the day.

894
00:40:05,083 --> 00:40:06,918
Like, "I just did
some acting. I pretended--"

895
00:40:07,000 --> 00:40:09,959
It's so much more than that.
You have to make all these
choices. I didn't know.

896
00:40:10,042 --> 00:40:11,959
Now I watch movies
completely differently.

897
00:40:12,042 --> 00:40:14,125
Like, take a movie like
<i>Silence of the Lambs,</i> right?

898
00:40:14,209 --> 00:40:16,626
Like, Sir Anthony Hopkins who
was in that movie, and he goes,

899
00:40:16,709 --> 00:40:20,626
"I ate her liver with f--
some fava beans

900
00:40:20,709 --> 00:40:22,667
and a nice Chianti,"
and then he went,

901
00:40:22,751 --> 00:40:24,751
"F-f-f-f-f."

902
00:40:24,834 --> 00:40:27,959
No one told him to do that.

903
00:40:28,042 --> 00:40:30,250
(laughter)

904
00:40:32,209 --> 00:40:34,667
Like, it wasn't in the script,
like 30 'F's.

905
00:40:34,751 --> 00:40:38,500
It was just him
taking a chance.

906
00:40:38,584 --> 00:40:40,209
That means there were
probably other takes like,

907
00:40:40,292 --> 00:40:43,000
"I ate her liver
with some fava beans

908
00:40:43,083 --> 00:40:47,292
and a nice Chianti.
Yummy, yummy, yummy!"

909
00:40:47,375 --> 00:40:50,375
"No. No. No. No.

910
00:40:50,459 --> 00:40:51,876
"No, no, no, no, no. No.

911
00:40:51,959 --> 00:40:54,250
Keep rolling."

912
00:40:54,334 --> 00:40:57,667
"I ate her liver
with some fava beans
and a nice Chianti.

913
00:40:57,751 --> 00:40:59,584
"♪ Get on down ♪

914
00:40:59,667 --> 00:41:02,334
♪ Get, get, get on down ♪"

915
00:41:02,417 --> 00:41:04,292
"It's not-- it's not
the character."

916
00:41:04,375 --> 00:41:05,709
(laughs)

917
00:41:07,500 --> 00:41:09,250
That was ridiculous.

918
00:41:11,792 --> 00:41:14,417
Speaking of, uh, ridiculou--
vaginas-- Oh, boy.

919
00:41:14,500 --> 00:41:15,626
(chortles)

920
00:41:15,709 --> 00:41:17,918
(laughter, cheers)

921
00:41:19,167 --> 00:41:22,626
Vaginas, right?

922
00:41:22,709 --> 00:41:26,167
Now, don't get me wrong,
I love 'em, but what-- what?

923
00:41:26,250 --> 00:41:27,584
(chortles)

924
00:41:29,834 --> 00:41:32,334
Vaginas, colon,
what's going on?

925
00:41:32,417 --> 00:41:34,042
(laughs)

926
00:41:36,250 --> 00:41:38,250
They're great, but they--
there's a little--

927
00:41:38,334 --> 00:41:40,042
there's some weird stuff
that I'm so tired

928
00:41:40,125 --> 00:41:41,959
of not talking about, like...

929
00:41:42,042 --> 00:41:44,876
they magically
moisten themselves?

930
00:41:44,959 --> 00:41:46,209
That's a thing?

931
00:41:46,292 --> 00:41:48,000
You just, like,
see Mario Lopez

932
00:41:48,083 --> 00:41:50,000
shoveling snow
with his shirt off

933
00:41:50,083 --> 00:41:52,250
and your brain sends
a signal to your vagina

934
00:41:52,334 --> 00:41:55,000
to activate
the one sprinkler down there?

935
00:41:55,083 --> 00:41:58,959
Just like... (whoosing)

936
00:41:59,042 --> 00:42:00,334
And it's a good thing, too.

937
00:42:00,417 --> 00:42:03,125
You're like,
"Mm, oh, good."

938
00:42:05,500 --> 00:42:08,918
"Ready for Mario."

939
00:42:09,000 --> 00:42:11,500
If I were a woman,
every time I got wet,

940
00:42:11,584 --> 00:42:15,000
I would go,
"High tide."

941
00:42:18,209 --> 00:42:19,667
"What do you do?"
"I'm in a band."

942
00:42:19,751 --> 00:42:22,000
"Ooh, high tide."

943
00:42:24,083 --> 00:42:25,334
"What do you play?"

944
00:42:25,417 --> 00:42:28,250
"The triangle."
"Low tide."

945
00:42:28,334 --> 00:42:30,918
(sucking)

946
00:42:31,000 --> 00:42:34,292
Just sand and seashells
down there, my friend.

947
00:42:36,667 --> 00:42:39,209
Dicks are no picnic
either, okay?

948
00:42:41,626 --> 00:42:42,959
I've seen my own dick.

949
00:42:43,042 --> 00:42:44,500
(chortles)

950
00:42:45,876 --> 00:42:47,167
I've seen my own dick erect.

951
00:42:47,250 --> 00:42:49,334
Like walking to the bathroom,
and I see it in the mirror,

952
00:42:49,417 --> 00:42:51,292
you know, after sex--
Why did I tell you that?

953
00:42:51,375 --> 00:42:52,584
(stammers)

954
00:42:52,667 --> 00:42:53,709
It's like a bouncy house.

955
00:42:53,792 --> 00:42:54,751
It takes a while to deflate.

956
00:42:54,834 --> 00:42:56,334
You know what I mean?
So, you're like...

957
00:42:56,417 --> 00:42:57,918
There it is.
Just womp, womp, womp.

958
00:42:58,000 --> 00:43:00,792
Just so weird
to have this flesh-spear

959
00:43:00,876 --> 00:43:04,000
jutting out
from your body that's you,

960
00:43:04,083 --> 00:43:05,876
but it's also not you.

961
00:43:06,000 --> 00:43:07,834
Like it has its own
suggestions like,

962
00:43:07,918 --> 00:43:10,792
"Let's go to the beach and leer!

963
00:43:12,083 --> 00:43:13,834
Wink, wink!
I can only wink!"

964
00:43:13,918 --> 00:43:15,042
You know, just...

965
00:43:19,584 --> 00:43:21,709
But I am a man.
Uh-- (laughs)

966
00:43:21,792 --> 00:43:23,167
I'm a man.

967
00:43:23,250 --> 00:43:25,584
I am a man.
A human man.

968
00:43:25,667 --> 00:43:27,584
But I'm also
a three-dimensional person.

969
00:43:27,667 --> 00:43:30,834
Sometimes I don't like
the way that men are
thought of sometimes.

970
00:43:30,918 --> 00:43:32,375
Like for example,
I saw this article

971
00:43:32,459 --> 00:43:34,209
going around on Facebook
written by a woman

972
00:43:34,292 --> 00:43:38,626
called "Why You Should Fuck
Your Husband Every Day."

973
00:43:38,709 --> 00:43:41,042
And it's like a list,
otherwise we won't read it.

974
00:43:41,125 --> 00:43:42,500
It's a list.

975
00:43:42,584 --> 00:43:45,292
You know, it's like,
"One, he'll be so much
more relaxed.

976
00:43:45,375 --> 00:43:49,125
Two, he loves to cuddle,"
or whatever the fuck.

977
00:43:49,209 --> 00:43:52,292
I'm just reading it
and I'm like, "Excuse me."

978
00:43:52,375 --> 00:43:55,250
"I'm a part
of that equation too.

979
00:43:55,334 --> 00:43:58,042
"You're gonna fuck me?
'Scuse me.

980
00:43:58,125 --> 00:44:00,792
You're gonna
fuck me every day?"

981
00:44:00,876 --> 00:44:02,792
I'm so tired of men
being painted

982
00:44:02,876 --> 00:44:04,959
as these thoughtless grunts
that are just like,

983
00:44:05,042 --> 00:44:09,959
"Sex is available?"
(grunts, screams)

984
00:44:10,042 --> 00:44:11,459
I'm a delicate creature.

985
00:44:11,542 --> 00:44:13,250
I need to be wooed.

986
00:44:14,542 --> 00:44:15,751
You want to fuck me?

987
00:44:15,834 --> 00:44:17,000
Boyz II Men me.

988
00:44:17,083 --> 00:44:18,375
Draw a bath.

989
00:44:18,459 --> 00:44:20,792
Ask what kind
of day I had--

990
00:44:20,876 --> 00:44:22,876
What kind of day
did I have?

991
00:44:22,959 --> 00:44:24,626
The article's so simple.
"He'll thank you."

992
00:44:24,709 --> 00:44:26,542
I will shoo you.

993
00:44:26,626 --> 00:44:28,375
Coming into my study
in a nightie.

994
00:44:28,459 --> 00:44:31,334
I will bap you
in the face with a broom
that's lightly on fire.

995
00:44:31,417 --> 00:44:33,417
Get the fuck out
of my study.

996
00:44:33,500 --> 00:44:35,876
I just heard a song
that made me think of my father.

997
00:44:35,959 --> 00:44:38,042
I'm not in the mood.

998
00:44:38,125 --> 00:44:40,500
Sex makes sense
about 45 minutes a day.

999
00:44:40,584 --> 00:44:43,125
Try to catch me
in that window.

1000
00:44:43,209 --> 00:44:46,292
Gonna suck my dick.
I'm an artist.

1001
00:44:46,375 --> 00:44:48,876
You can't predict
my temperament.

1002
00:44:48,959 --> 00:44:50,334
I'm trying to write
a joke right now.

1003
00:44:50,417 --> 00:44:52,500
I might as well be
on the goddamn moon.

1004
00:44:52,584 --> 00:44:53,709
Fuck 'em every day.

1005
00:44:53,792 --> 00:44:55,167
And what does that say
about women?

1006
00:44:55,250 --> 00:44:56,500
I don't like
what that says
about women.

1007
00:44:56,584 --> 00:44:58,375
Can we just--
The cat is out of the bag.

1008
00:44:58,459 --> 00:45:00,834
Women like sex too.
(cheering)

1009
00:45:00,918 --> 00:45:03,042
We don't need
articles like this.

1010
00:45:03,125 --> 00:45:04,709
And if we do,
I can't imagine

1011
00:45:04,792 --> 00:45:06,751
a woman--
Nothing makes me sadder

1012
00:45:06,834 --> 00:45:09,250
than imagining a woman
who hates sex

1013
00:45:09,334 --> 00:45:13,167
reading that article at home
with her mouth just like...

1014
00:45:23,834 --> 00:45:27,000
"I'm gonna do it. Mm-huh."

1015
00:45:27,083 --> 00:45:30,792
"Come on, Diane.
We can't lose another one."

1016
00:45:32,959 --> 00:45:35,751
"Gotta tackle that snake."

1017
00:45:35,834 --> 00:45:37,751
Is there anything sadder
than a woman being like,

1018
00:45:37,834 --> 00:45:41,542
"I read it on Facebook"?

1019
00:45:41,626 --> 00:45:43,209
What is this,
the sex trade?

1020
00:45:43,292 --> 00:45:45,334
Find a hobby
you both enjoy.

1021
00:45:45,417 --> 00:45:48,667
Fuck me every day.
Fuck you every day.

1022
00:45:48,751 --> 00:45:49,918
(laughs)

1023
00:45:54,792 --> 00:45:56,709
Not all men are sex-crazed,

1024
00:45:56,792 --> 00:45:59,167
not all men like strip clubs.
That's another one.

1025
00:45:59,250 --> 00:46:00,709
I just went
to my first strip club.

1026
00:46:00,792 --> 00:46:02,167
I fuckin' hated it.

1027
00:46:02,250 --> 00:46:03,667
The whole thing's degrading.

1028
00:46:03,751 --> 00:46:05,209
You just have to line up
in front of, like,

1029
00:46:05,292 --> 00:46:08,042
the fuckin' Beaver Hut
or something.

1030
00:46:08,125 --> 00:46:10,000
You line up
to pay a door guy

1031
00:46:10,083 --> 00:46:11,918
that's dressed like Blade.

1032
00:46:13,918 --> 00:46:15,500
You're admitting defeat.
You're just like,

1033
00:46:15,584 --> 00:46:18,125
"I couldn't get
my titties free-range.

1034
00:46:18,209 --> 00:46:22,542
Well, ya got 'em locked up
inside, Daywalker?"

1035
00:46:24,834 --> 00:46:26,375
It's humiliating.

1036
00:46:26,459 --> 00:46:28,959
And I don't even know--
How are you supposed to react?

1037
00:46:29,042 --> 00:46:31,250
I like comedy
because I know how to react.

1038
00:46:31,334 --> 00:46:33,209
You laugh, you clap,
you hoot, you holler.

1039
00:46:33,292 --> 00:46:35,500
What are you supposed
to do in a strip club?
I don't know.

1040
00:46:35,584 --> 00:46:36,792
It's like looking at fireworks.

1041
00:46:36,876 --> 00:46:38,542
It's the same thing.

1042
00:46:38,626 --> 00:46:40,292
I never know
what I'm supposed to do
at fireworks.

1043
00:46:40,375 --> 00:46:42,542
They're always happening.
Everybody's-- Kids are prancing

1044
00:46:42,626 --> 00:46:44,209
with sparklers,
someone's getting engaged.

1045
00:46:44,292 --> 00:46:46,667
I'm always standing
on a riverbank just like...

1046
00:46:50,334 --> 00:46:52,042
"Wow."

1047
00:46:52,125 --> 00:46:55,250
"I wish I felt anything."

1048
00:46:55,334 --> 00:46:56,792
(applause)

1049
00:46:59,417 --> 00:47:02,709
"I like that it sounds
like war. Is that it?"

1050
00:47:02,792 --> 00:47:05,834
Same thing with a stripper.
They put me in the front row

1051
00:47:05,918 --> 00:47:07,209
because they knew
I was uncomfortable.

1052
00:47:07,292 --> 00:47:10,334
Everybody wanted to see
what Old Petey would do.

1053
00:47:10,417 --> 00:47:12,250
They hired a dancer
to come out,

1054
00:47:12,334 --> 00:47:14,083
she came on stage
already naked.

1055
00:47:14,167 --> 00:47:16,834
No narrative.

1056
00:47:20,667 --> 00:47:22,751
No narr-- No story,
no build.

1057
00:47:22,834 --> 00:47:23,918
She was already naked.

1058
00:47:24,000 --> 00:47:26,584
First move, she spun around,
bent over in my face.

1059
00:47:26,667 --> 00:47:28,083
That was her opening.

1060
00:47:28,167 --> 00:47:29,626
(gasps)
Whoa.

1061
00:47:29,709 --> 00:47:30,876
(chuckles)

1062
00:47:34,500 --> 00:47:37,751
Those were her openings.

1063
00:47:37,834 --> 00:47:40,000
And what do you do?
All eyes were on me.

1064
00:47:40,083 --> 00:47:41,626
And one brown eye.
Come on.

1065
00:47:41,709 --> 00:47:43,375
There were a lot of--
(laughter)

1066
00:47:43,459 --> 00:47:45,751
All eyes were on me.
Everybody wanted to see
what I would do.

1067
00:47:45,834 --> 00:47:48,709
I didn't know what to do,
but everybody's looking,
and I just went,

1068
00:47:48,792 --> 00:47:51,292
"Fantastic!"

1069
00:47:52,751 --> 00:47:54,751
I just said, "Fantastic,"

1070
00:47:54,834 --> 00:47:57,209
into a stranger's asshole.

1071
00:47:57,292 --> 00:47:59,959
That's the first thing
I ever said to her,

1072
00:48:00,042 --> 00:48:03,000
and I said it
up her asshole.

1073
00:48:03,083 --> 00:48:04,792
It's up there now.

1074
00:48:04,876 --> 00:48:06,959
She's gonna get
a colonoscopy in 30 years,

1075
00:48:07,042 --> 00:48:09,167
they're gonna put
the tube in like, "Fantastic."

1076
00:48:09,250 --> 00:48:11,459
It's gonna shoot out.

1077
00:48:14,209 --> 00:48:15,626
"Did you say--"

1078
00:48:17,626 --> 00:48:20,584
Did you say,
"Fantastic," Mercedes?

1079
00:48:23,334 --> 00:48:25,500
Not all men like strip clubs.

1080
00:48:25,584 --> 00:48:28,167
I have glitter
on my face, guys are like,
"I know where you were."

1081
00:48:28,250 --> 00:48:31,584
"Yeah? I was making crafts."

1082
00:48:35,375 --> 00:48:37,417
Not all men like, uh, porn.

1083
00:48:37,500 --> 00:48:39,709
That's true.
I'm off porn.

1084
00:48:39,792 --> 00:48:41,834
I had a good run.
And no judgment.

1085
00:48:41,918 --> 00:48:46,125
If you love porn,
please, no judgment,
go with God.

1086
00:48:46,209 --> 00:48:48,083
Literally. Get God involved.

1087
00:48:48,167 --> 00:48:52,000
Just like,
"What would you have me do?"

1088
00:48:56,375 --> 00:49:00,876
"Look what you have created!"

1089
00:49:02,042 --> 00:49:03,292
I get it.
I understand porn.

1090
00:49:03,375 --> 00:49:05,626
Sometimes you're tense,
it can be a nice stress-relief.

1091
00:49:05,709 --> 00:49:07,709
You have a job interview,
you bang out a nice

1092
00:49:07,792 --> 00:49:09,751
morning sesh,
then you're calm.

1093
00:49:09,834 --> 00:49:12,125
You moonwalk into the office,
flick a lit cigarette

1094
00:49:12,209 --> 00:49:13,417
at the guy
and get the job like,

1095
00:49:13,500 --> 00:49:18,042
"That was a leader!
Who was that man?"

1096
00:49:18,125 --> 00:49:20,459
I get it. But even
if you love porn,

1097
00:49:20,542 --> 00:49:24,375
I think we can all agree
you're not at your best.

1098
00:49:24,459 --> 00:49:26,876
Doesn't go on
the highlight reel of your life,

1099
00:49:26,959 --> 00:49:29,083
the afternoon
you drew the blinds,

1100
00:49:29,167 --> 00:49:31,167
got on your bed naked
but for your socks

1101
00:49:31,250 --> 00:49:32,375
with an iPad just like,

1102
00:49:32,459 --> 00:49:35,334
"What if I was
at an orgy? Huh-hah!"

1103
00:49:35,417 --> 00:49:37,626
(moans)

1104
00:49:37,709 --> 00:49:39,667
"I have some thoughts
for the redhead."

1105
00:49:39,751 --> 00:49:41,000
That's-- (chuckles)

1106
00:49:41,083 --> 00:49:43,334
You're never gonna
tell your grandchildren
about that day.

1107
00:49:43,417 --> 00:49:44,709
You know what I mean?
"Let me tell you

1108
00:49:44,792 --> 00:49:46,250
about the legend
of the Bang Bros."

1109
00:49:46,334 --> 00:49:49,417
It's not gonna happen.

1110
00:49:49,500 --> 00:49:51,542
So I'm off porn
for many reasons.

1111
00:49:51,626 --> 00:49:54,667
One, you can't pick
what you like.

1112
00:49:54,751 --> 00:49:56,042
That's just real.

1113
00:49:56,125 --> 00:49:57,834
That's just deep
in your subconscious.

1114
00:49:57,918 --> 00:50:00,334
And what if there's something
really fucked up out there

1115
00:50:00,417 --> 00:50:03,375
that you would love
that you just haven't seen yet?

1116
00:50:03,459 --> 00:50:05,918
That could really
change your life.

1117
00:50:06,000 --> 00:50:07,626
Like, you ever click on a link,

1118
00:50:07,709 --> 00:50:10,626
something weird, "Japan"?

1119
00:50:11,918 --> 00:50:14,626
Something weird.
Let's say "Japan."

1120
00:50:14,709 --> 00:50:16,125
You ever click
on something weird

1121
00:50:16,209 --> 00:50:20,334
and take in a moment
to be grateful that
you're not aroused?

1122
00:50:23,292 --> 00:50:25,209
I have.

1123
00:50:25,292 --> 00:50:27,542
That could have gone
the other way.

1124
00:50:27,626 --> 00:50:30,209
What if you click on a link
and it's like a news studio

1125
00:50:30,292 --> 00:50:32,292
and there's a Japanese woman
fully dressed,

1126
00:50:32,375 --> 00:50:33,792
reading the news
in Japanese,

1127
00:50:33,876 --> 00:50:35,209
then a door
in the back opens

1128
00:50:35,292 --> 00:50:37,500
and like, naked, skinny guys
start filing out

1129
00:50:37,584 --> 00:50:40,626
and they're jerking off
and they're holding
long-haired cats,

1130
00:50:40,709 --> 00:50:42,792
then they--
they cum on the cat,

1131
00:50:42,876 --> 00:50:45,751
then they bowl it at her,
she's duckin' the cum cats

1132
00:50:45,834 --> 00:50:51,667
and you're at home
like, "Nooooo"?

1133
00:50:54,542 --> 00:50:56,042
Just the biggest, hardest,

1134
00:50:56,125 --> 00:50:58,042
involuntary erection
of your life.

1135
00:50:58,125 --> 00:51:00,626
Cumming without
you touching it. "Aah!

1136
00:51:00,709 --> 00:51:03,209
This is me now!"

1137
00:51:04,876 --> 00:51:07,792
You just fucked up
your life, Curious George.

1138
00:51:09,459 --> 00:51:11,459
Should've left
well enough alone.

1139
00:51:12,792 --> 00:51:14,500
Off porn.

1140
00:51:14,584 --> 00:51:15,834
Don't like strip clubs.

1141
00:51:15,918 --> 00:51:17,083
Don't always want sex.

1142
00:51:17,167 --> 00:51:18,584
I am straight.

1143
00:51:20,292 --> 00:51:21,626
I am a straight man.

1144
00:51:21,709 --> 00:51:23,542
But I think sexuality
is a spectrum.

1145
00:51:23,626 --> 00:51:25,626
I think when we--
if we watch this special

1146
00:51:25,709 --> 00:51:27,626
in another 20 years,
I think "gay," "straight,"

1147
00:51:27,709 --> 00:51:29,209
those are gonna be
outdated terms for sure.

1148
00:51:29,292 --> 00:51:31,334
Maybe even sooner.
'Cause it is a spectrum.

1149
00:51:31,417 --> 00:51:33,500
Just like Kinsey said,
everybody's somewhere

1150
00:51:33,584 --> 00:51:35,459
on a spectrum of male,
for lack of a better term,

1151
00:51:35,542 --> 00:51:36,667
energy and female energy.

1152
00:51:36,751 --> 00:51:39,250
So, I like to say I'm straight,
but I like to say

1153
00:51:39,334 --> 00:51:41,667
that I am 68 days straight.

1154
00:51:43,042 --> 00:51:44,709
What does that mean?

1155
00:51:44,792 --> 00:51:46,626
That does not mean
that I have been straight

1156
00:51:46,709 --> 00:51:51,000
for just over two months,
giving it a go.

1157
00:51:51,083 --> 00:51:53,626
That means that
I'm straight, but...

1158
00:51:53,709 --> 00:51:55,292
(chuckles)

1159
00:51:55,375 --> 00:51:59,792
...if I was in some sort
of unforeseen circumstance...

1160
00:51:59,876 --> 00:52:02,083
I don't know.

1161
00:52:03,209 --> 00:52:04,417
Like, let's say
I'm in a plane

1162
00:52:04,500 --> 00:52:06,167
and it goes down
and everybody dies.

1163
00:52:06,250 --> 00:52:08,792
Everybody's dead except me,
and just out of thin air,

1164
00:52:08,876 --> 00:52:12,209
let's say Ryan Gosling--
let's just say...
(applause)

1165
00:52:12,292 --> 00:52:16,209
...let's just say it's me
and Ryan Gosling.

1166
00:52:16,292 --> 00:52:17,959
The plane crashes
in the ocean

1167
00:52:18,042 --> 00:52:20,083
and we have to swim
to an island.

1168
00:52:20,167 --> 00:52:22,542
He's glistening.
His pec muscles...

1169
00:52:22,626 --> 00:52:25,542
He's doing different strokes,
it's, like, easy for him.

1170
00:52:25,626 --> 00:52:27,167
"This is fun!"

1171
00:52:28,500 --> 00:52:30,167
When we get to that island,

1172
00:52:30,250 --> 00:52:32,125
eventually...
(laughter)

1173
00:52:32,209 --> 00:52:34,626
Don't back away.
You're g-- You're gonna.

1174
00:52:34,709 --> 00:52:36,876
You're gonna.
I'm gonna fuck that man.

1175
00:52:36,959 --> 00:52:38,500
I'm gonna,
well, you know.

1176
00:52:38,584 --> 00:52:41,667
We'll see.
You know. (laughs)

1177
00:52:41,751 --> 00:52:42,876
But I'm gonna wait.

1178
00:52:42,959 --> 00:52:44,667
I'm gonna wait 68 days.

1179
00:52:44,751 --> 00:52:46,250
That's how straight I am.

1180
00:52:46,334 --> 00:52:49,125
I feel like that's enough time
to build a rapport.

1181
00:52:49,209 --> 00:52:51,876
You know, he makes
a football out of a vine,

1182
00:52:51,959 --> 00:52:54,042
he's like,
"You are good
at sports, Peter."

1183
00:52:56,334 --> 00:52:58,542
Tussles my hair.

1184
00:52:58,626 --> 00:53:01,125
Rescue definitely isn't coming.

1185
00:53:01,209 --> 00:53:02,667
I'm in the clear there.

1186
00:53:02,751 --> 00:53:06,292
So on the 67th night,
we spoon together for warmth,

1187
00:53:06,375 --> 00:53:08,626
little spoon...

1188
00:53:08,709 --> 00:53:11,959
morning of the 68th,
nature takes its course.

1189
00:53:12,042 --> 00:53:13,792
68 days straight.

1190
00:53:13,876 --> 00:53:15,792
Now...

1191
00:53:15,876 --> 00:53:18,125
I have told that joke before.

1192
00:53:18,209 --> 00:53:20,542
I told that joke
one time in Texas.

1193
00:53:20,626 --> 00:53:22,209
(laughter, groaning)

1194
00:53:22,292 --> 00:53:23,542
Correct.

1195
00:53:23,626 --> 00:53:24,959
(laughter)

1196
00:53:25,042 --> 00:53:27,417
Only once, and that was
in Alpine, Texas.

1197
00:53:27,500 --> 00:53:30,083
Deep, thick,
<i>No Country for Old Men...</i>

1198
00:53:30,167 --> 00:53:32,250
(imitates bolt gun)...
Texas.

1199
00:53:32,334 --> 00:53:33,626
(laughter)

1200
00:53:33,709 --> 00:53:35,375
And I'm doing the joke,
and I'm on stage,

1201
00:53:35,459 --> 00:53:37,500
and right where you are,
sir, there's a cowboy.

1202
00:53:37,584 --> 00:53:39,292
How you doin'?
You're the cowboy.

1203
00:53:39,375 --> 00:53:42,709
And he's looking at me.
Just picture a cowboy.

1204
00:53:42,792 --> 00:53:43,834
Perfect.

1205
00:53:43,918 --> 00:53:46,334
Like a man who went
to a costume shop

1206
00:53:46,417 --> 00:53:48,292
and said,
"Give me the cowboy

1207
00:53:48,375 --> 00:53:50,334
for life."

1208
00:53:50,417 --> 00:53:52,459
So there's a cowboy in the front
and I'm doing the joke

1209
00:53:52,542 --> 00:53:54,542
and the whole time,
I'm the only one
that can see him.

1210
00:53:54,626 --> 00:53:56,375
He's just going like this.

1211
00:53:56,459 --> 00:53:58,584
(laughter)

1212
00:54:01,918 --> 00:54:03,083
But I'm the only one
that can see,

1213
00:54:03,167 --> 00:54:04,876
so I'm ignoring it.
I'm doing the joke.

1214
00:54:04,959 --> 00:54:06,417
I'm up there like,
"You're gonna fuck him.

1215
00:54:06,500 --> 00:54:09,042
You're gonna fuck him
or maybe he'll fuck me,"

1216
00:54:09,125 --> 00:54:10,209
and he's like...

1217
00:54:10,292 --> 00:54:12,000
(laughter)

1218
00:54:13,459 --> 00:54:15,167
But I ignore it.
I finish the bit,

1219
00:54:15,250 --> 00:54:17,167
standing ovation,
pretty good bit...

1220
00:54:17,250 --> 00:54:18,500
(laughter)

1221
00:54:18,584 --> 00:54:22,417
...applause dies down,
and the cowboy goes, "Hey!"

1222
00:54:24,083 --> 00:54:25,500
I get scared.

1223
00:54:25,584 --> 00:54:27,125
(laughter)

1224
00:54:29,167 --> 00:54:30,542
But I don't know
what to do.

1225
00:54:30,626 --> 00:54:32,167
Everybody heard
this man say, "Hey!"

1226
00:54:32,250 --> 00:54:34,751
Now it's a public issue
and I don't know what to do,

1227
00:54:34,834 --> 00:54:37,667
so I just go, "Yes?"
even though I know

1228
00:54:37,751 --> 00:54:40,500
he's going to say
something hateful and terrible

1229
00:54:40,584 --> 00:54:42,626
and ruin the bit
for the rest of my life,

1230
00:54:42,709 --> 00:54:44,125
but I didn't have a choice.

1231
00:54:44,209 --> 00:54:45,834
So, I go,
"What? What is it?"

1232
00:54:45,918 --> 00:54:48,876
and he goes,
"28 days."

1233
00:54:48,959 --> 00:54:50,542
(laughter, applause)

1234
00:54:53,000 --> 00:54:54,876
He didn't have
a problem with the bit.

1235
00:54:55,000 --> 00:54:59,000
He had a problem
with how long I was
making Daddy Gos' wait.

1236
00:54:59,083 --> 00:55:00,167
(laughs)

1237
00:55:00,250 --> 00:55:02,250
Chicago, thank you so much!
(applause)

1238
00:55:02,334 --> 00:55:03,751
Wasn't this fun?

1239
00:55:03,834 --> 00:55:06,209
I'm so glad you were here!
Thank you!

1240
00:55:06,292 --> 00:55:07,834
♪ ♪

1241
00:55:08,918 --> 00:55:09,918
Oh, my God!

1242
00:55:11,792 --> 00:55:13,209
You're amazing!
Thank you!

1243
00:55:13,292 --> 00:55:15,626
Keep it crispy,
everybody! Thank you!

1244
00:55:15,709 --> 00:55:17,167
♪ ♪

1245
00:55:20,417 --> 00:55:22,042
♪ You have to do it running ♪

1246
00:55:22,125 --> 00:55:25,334
♪ But you do everything
that they ask you to ♪

1247
00:55:25,417 --> 00:55:29,667
♪ 'Cause you don't mind
seeing yourself in a picture ♪

1248
00:55:29,751 --> 00:55:32,000
♪ As long as you look far away ♪

1249
00:55:32,083 --> 00:55:34,792
♪ As long as you look removed ♪

1250
00:55:34,876 --> 00:55:38,417
<i>♪ Showered and blue-blazered ♪</i>

1251
00:55:38,500 --> 00:55:42,250
<i>♪ Fill yourself with quarters ♪</i>

1252
00:55:42,334 --> 00:55:45,876
<i>♪ Showered and blue-blazered ♪</i>

1253
00:55:45,959 --> 00:55:48,959
<i>♪ Fill yourself with quarters ♪</i>

1254
00:55:49,042 --> 00:55:51,250
<i>♪ You get mistaken
for strangers ♪</i>

1255
00:55:51,334 --> 00:55:53,042
♪<i> By your own friends ♪</i>

1256
00:55:53,125 --> 00:55:54,500
<i>♪ When you pass them at night ♪</i>

1257
00:55:54,584 --> 00:55:58,417
<i>♪ Under the silvery,
silvery Citibank lights ♪</i>

1258
00:55:58,500 --> 00:56:01,542
<i>♪ Arm in arm in arm
and eyes and eyes ♪</i>

1259
00:56:01,626 --> 00:56:03,167
<i>♪ Glazing under ♪</i>

1260
00:56:03,250 --> 00:56:07,083
<i>♪ Oh, you wouldn't want
an angel watching over ♪</i>

1261
00:56:07,167 --> 00:56:10,834
<i>♪ Surprise, surprise,
they wouldn't wanna watch ♪</i>

1262
00:56:10,918 --> 00:56:14,042
<i>♪ Another un-innocent,
elegant fall ♪</i>

1263
00:56:14,125 --> 00:56:18,417
<i>♪ Into the un-magnificent
lives of adults ♪</i>

1264
00:56:20,083 --> 00:56:22,500
<i>♪ ♪</i>